Monday, 15 June 2015

Been so busy lately.

With everything that has been going on and writing pieces for the course I'm on I've refrained from posting here because A) I didn't have much time and B) I didn't want to mix up personal ideas from those I was using for coursework.
Well now I've got my marks I feel happier to write "from the heart" again. While I'm working on some stuff I thought I'd post the piece I used for my coursework here... (I was considering building on it but I dunno yet haven't had too many people making positive comments about it)
*Please excuse the formatting as I used copy and paste I'm aware the formatting sometimes messes up*

My hand trembles as the cold metal caresses my skin. I have traced this thin line at least a hundred times before. Letting the cold edge dance lightly across the blue. Yet every time my heart starts racing and my hand will inevitably shake. My body is a traitor to its very core. Denying me a release. What happened to freedom of choice? Of course I know already the human body never gives up without a fight but this wasn’t fair. My life is essentially just a number of days that I have existed. Nothing more, nothing less. I mustn’t be too quick to judge myself. It’s not like I haven’t exhausted every other option. I actually have a check list of things I want to accomplish. I like lists; I think they keep me sane. This list literally consists of a few simple things. Get good grades, I’ve been doing well so far. Get a high paying job, I mean if I’m lucky of course. Fall in love, only to get my heart broken. Maybe I’ll rethink some of these things later. I guess you could say I don’t see much of a future for myself and so I took to thinking of suicide. Not that I want to die or kill myself. It just makes sense to have some sort of eject button to remove myself from a life that I serve no purpose in.
So here I go with my daily routine following the same movements. The blade would break the surface here. By here it needs to be approximately 0.5 to 1 centimetre deep. Then I need to drag the blade as far as here to create an incision over 5 centimetres long. As long as the cut fit these requirements it should bleed sufficiently without causing so much damage as to prevent me making a similar mark on my opposite wrist. Finally would come the waiting game. Of course when the time came to initiate this procedure I had a little something in my bag to calm my body. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Trying to force my body to remember the motions. This is what my life has boiled down to. It was only when the light got really dim that I realised I’m no longer alone. A shadow was blocking out the light that hung almost directly over the little cubicle. Dropping the blade pried from a sharpener some time ago I scramble to cover my arm with my school sweatshirt. The female toilets are usually empty during the third class and even the rare visitor wouldn’t go to the lengths of spying on someone in the next cubicle. As I look up I’m greeted with a face that could easily pass for my own. Her slender features almost mimic mine. The only differences between us being her hair being blonde and the glasses that tarnish my face. She beams down at me then she disappears. I hold my breath for a moment as I wait for the taunts, the mocking and the banging on the cubicle wall. If she is here she most likely brought an entourage. I wait. Nothing. Then BANG! The cubicle door flies open. She stands there looking in at me still smiling but kindly this time.
“Oh hi there,” she says.
I sit there and stare at her trying to not let my jaw hit the floor. She boldly steps forward. I edge back. I’m cornered and she knows it. She continues to smile. That’s another thing that separates me from her, she never stops smiling. It’s a warm welcoming smile. It’s confusing and disturbing to say the least. She is possibly the most popular girl in the school and that smile is her trademark. It wouldn’t be unusual to see her tear into someone while smiling at them like she’s their best friend.
People once called her names and she smiled at them while proceeding to plant their face into a locker door. Then she claimed it was self-defence and apologized with that same smile while asking the girl to be her friend.
She grabbed for the arm I was attempting to hide under my sweatshirt. I tried to squirm away but it was no use. Her hand caught my wrist with ease. She pulled my arm so it was straight then to my surprise her grip softened. I cringed away but nothing happened. I felt her soft fingers stroking the same line I had been tracing with the blade only moments earlier.
“Shh, it’s ok,” she says as quietly as she can.
I look up to see her smile has gone and she is now looking at my arm intently as she brushes her fingers along the surface. She notices I’m looking and the warm friendly smile comes back.
“So you haven’t made a serious attempt yet?”
I shake my head.
“You really hate your life that much?”
I bow my head slightly.
“Hey I’m talking to you,” she says her voice as soft as ever.
I keep looking at the floor. I’m hoping she goes away but she crouches down in-front of me. She looks up at me her smile firmly in place.
“Even if you can’t stand living… Don’t just quit,”
Her words shock me. My body begins to tremble. I don’t know how to respond. She must sense it because she continues.
“If you really think you don’t have a purpose then try living your life for me,”
She pauses giving me time to take it in. How could someone like her have any clue what I’m thinking.
“Help me with something,” she says her smile disappearing once more.
My mouth opens but words won’t form.
“It’s ok, all I want is a friend to help me. I’ll protect you and give your life purpose,”
She suddenly looks a little saddened. Her face appears more like mine than ever.
“I want someone to have fun, with someone who understands how I feel about the world, someone to waste my time with,” She finishes and her smile returns.
I don’t know what to say. What could I say? Did Melody, the schools most popular girl, just open up to me? She must see the confusion written all over my face. Suddenly she stands back up.
“If you’re interested I’ll be at your locker at the end of lunch. Just be there if you want to talk about it ok?” She says as she backs away from me.
She turns suddenly and vanishes from sight. The door to the toilets closes and I’m alone once more.

The seconds ticked away as the corridors slowly emptied. Almost every other student was now heading to whatever classroom they needed to be in. Not Melody. She was waiting. Patiently. Her heart leaping a little in her chest but she fights it back into submission. Now wasn’t the time to feel excited or nervous. Colette hadn’t walked past her which meant now was the time to move. Everything was falling into place so easily. Sure it isn’t much of a challenge like this but at least what was to come would entertain her a little. Melody slips down a side corridor. Lockers jut out from each wall at intervals giving the illusion of a narrower space. Apart from the main corridor behind her there was only a fire exit and set of stairs up to the science rooms ahead. Very little chance of escape. She spies movement. Melody begins her careful approach but of course she already knows what’s going on. That fool took the bait. Poor Colette had decided to wait for Melody out of curiosity and now… Well as far as Melody was concerned Colette had drawn in a new friend. One of those girls who thinks she owns the place, likes to think she’s a lioness and this is her kingdom. Sadly that girl is about to learn a thing or two about this eco system. Yes she might be a predator… but Melody was essentially the apex predator. Melody really didn’t want to risk sacrificing Colette but this could also give her the final push she needed. Melody was merely a few feet away. This so called bully attempting to put Colette in her place. Adrenaline courses through Melody’s veins. Colette stands defiantly as this girl gives her yet another shove, this time into a corner. Melody now only inches away. She can see Colette fighting back her tears. Melody looks on in admiration, Colette really was almost as strong as her. Melody pauses directly behind the fail excuse for a human being. Check. In the blink of an eye she grabs her prey’s hair and yanks it back while sweeping the poor things legs with her foot. The pretender falls right on her rear. Melody sees Colette slide to the floor as well but she can’t go to her aid yet. Before the shock subsides Melody places a hand just below the idiot’s neck. Wait, 1, 2, 3. Just as her victim begins to assess the situation Melody gives a quick shove pushing the girl to the floor. That’s how it’s done. Quickly, quickly. Melody slides a pair of scissors out of her skirt waistband. Flicking them open, she watches in delight as her new toy’s face twists slightly, that moment between shock and fear. It’s too late before the girl can clamp her mouth shut Melody slips one side of the scissors into it. Melody puts on her best smile. Appearance is everything.
“Now, I was hoping we could all play nice,” Melody says as sweetly as she can.
Her new found friend tenses up, it’s a sign she is about to struggle. Melody wastes no time in deterring her and applies some pressure to the blade against her tongue.
“Hey, shh, shh, I just wanna talk,” Melody continues as she brushes the short blonde hair from the girl’s face.
“Now please if you want to interrupt me at any point just move a bit and I’ll be sure to cut up the inside of your mouth, kay?”
Melody pushes the blade of the scissors against her tongue once more. All the while making sure to continue smiling. Of course the walking corpse decided to play dead.
“I’m so glad we understand each other. So let me ask if you remember what happened when you touched my new bag last year?” Melody whispers close to her ear.
Her prey continued playing dead, staring blankly into Melody’s eyes. Melody delighted in the sight of those tears waiting to break forth.
“Well could you just imagine how I feel about you getting your filthy hands on my friend?” Melody lets a hint of malice slip into the words.
The poor thing lays there stupefied. Melody pulls a sad face. If there was one thing Melody hated it was sad faces, they just looked so ugly.
“Would it be easier to keep ‘em away from her if I cut your fingers off?” She asks.
Melody quickly switches to her best smile, the one she usually save for special occasions. A tear breaks free and rolls from the corner of the girl’s eye.
“I could always cut your tongue open for playing with scissors?” Melody jokes.
Her prey whimpers. This was the point where Melody had to be careful. It’s not nice to break people, or so she had been told. It was just so tempting. How much could they take? How much damage could she inflict? Which was the most effective damage? Physical? Mental? If one of them was super effective it could break her new toy in one move and finding a new one would be a pain. Melody knew she would have to restrain herself. What fun was a game if you rushed straight to the end?
“You’re lucky, I don’t want to upset my friend anymore so I’m going to let you stand up and then you are gonna walk away and not mention this to anyone, kay?”
The play thing stops whimpering and sniffles a bit as Melody slowly begins to pull the scissors from its mouth. Melody sees the hands go to move. The thing almost got away too easily. Melody wedges the scissors back into the girl’s mouth.
“Don’t forget it’s not just your pretty hands and face I can ruin for you should you tell anyone,” Melody reminds her playfully.
Game, set, match. The pretend predator ceases to even consider moving. That complete and utter defeat. Melody revels in the moment as she slowly slides the scissors from her mouth making sure to pause randomly. Keeping her victim guessing as to if it really is over or not. Finally Melody pulls the rest of the blade from her mouth and stands up towering over her new found subject for a moment. The now ex-bully scrambles to her knees. Melody offers a hand to help her up. Of course this quivering pile of flesh wasn’t going to trust Melody now. This once upon a time bully was now completely broken, as all people like her should be. There was a moment of hesitation and then she sprang to her feet and took off. Melody watches amused as the fail excuse of a human almost trips over.
“Have a nice day,” Melody yells after her as she disappears from sight.
A sniffling end of a crying fit causes Melody to spin around to see Colette. Still there. Still watching. Still waiting. Good thought Melody as she offered Colette a real smile as well as her hand. Colette simply smacks her hand away, pulls herself to her feet and runs. Melody looks at my hand in shock for a moment. She wouldn’t trust this hand either. Yet her heart raced a little more than usually. Melody slides the scissors back into her waistband and let out a sigh. Now she had to wait for Colette’s move.

I felt terrible. I hadn’t seen Melody since the incident yesterday. I was torn between demanding an answer and begging her forgiveness. I slumped down on the wooden bench at the top of the hill. The day was wearing on and school had finished yet I couldn’t shake the want to talk to her. I looked out into the distance. You could see from miles around from here and normally the view would somehow set my mind at ease. Not today. My brain was still racing with thoughts clambering over each other. I leant forward and hung my head. The boards beneath me shifted indicating I had company. I attempted to take a peek without showing any real interest. All I saw was a skirt. I looked up slowly following the school uniform of my own school, long blonde hair and finally a smile that just wouldn’t give up. I tried to tear my gaze away but I just couldn’t. Melody was admiring the view from the added height of standing on the bench. She stretched her arms into the air briefly.
“Isn’t the view amazing?” She asked in her softest kindest voice.
I quickly acted as though I hadn’t noticed her there but I was one hundred percent sure she had seen me looking at her.
“I didn’t think you’d be one to enjoy a view like this,” she said.
I just stared straight ahead. The questions I’d wanted to ask the things I wanted to say all dissipated. All that was left was an awkward silence.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I quickly looked up at her. She was now staring down at me. Her smile was gone and her face looked completely serious.
“I’m sorry about yesterday please don’t make me say it any louder,” She half shouted.
“It’s fine,” I said forcing a smile.
Of course it wasn’t fine but at least now I knew she didn’t want me to harbour negative ideas of her.
“Oh my god, you can smile!” she said acting shocked.
I simply looked away.
“You know why I want to be your friend right?” she asked.
I shook my head. I really didn’t have a clue.
“Cos… I know what its like,” she said simply.
I watched her with her arms extended forwards, almost as if reaching for the horizon.
“They tell you that you can do whatever you want, they tell you that everyone has to listen to the same rules, they say the sky is the limit, they encourage you to try your best,” She stopped.
A gust of wind shot between us blowing her hair out of place and ruffling her skirt.
“But they lied.” She finished.
“I don’t…”
“It must’ve been the same for you… If you are too smart you will be excluded, if you don’t try hard enough you get punished, if you argue or complain you get looked down on,”
Her smile was gone and showed no sign of coming back. She stood there in silence looking at me. I couldn’t tell if she was waiting for my response or not.
“But the worst part, the part that really gets me, no one is bound by these unspoken, unseen rules. They do whatever pleases them and the rest of society just goes along with it,”
She took a deep breath and then fell to her knees on the bench next to me.
“You’ve noticed it too right?” She asked almost pleadingly.
I nodded. She was right. I hadn’t seen it that way before but she was right.
“I’m sick of playing this shitty game with them on my own please be my team mate, my partner, my friend?” she leant forward as she asked.
What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t say no. She understood the kind of life I had endured. She was smarter and more beautiful than me. While I had always thought she had everything could it be she also had all the negatives as well? Was it possible she had endured it worse than I had?
“Of course,” I said nodding and trying to smile.
Tears welled up in her eyes and she smiled leaping to her feet on the bench.
“Hear that world? Me and Collie have each other now and we are gonna tear your stupid game apart. So watch out!” She shouted at the horizon.
I tried to restrain a giggle but I just couldn’t keep it in.
“Oh you think that’s funny huh?” She shouted at me.
She leapt of the bench and turned to face me.
“Wait til you see the speech I give when we show the rest of the world whose boss,” She said pointing at me.
Something about her newfound energy and smile seemed completely natural. I had to wonder if I was the first person to see this side of her.

She expected Colette to be waiting. After all Colette always waited for her no matter how late she was. Today she had gone the extra mile to be later than usual. Being late was one of the few ways to minimize being caught or overheard. There were a few tricks she had learnt over the years to keep people out of her business. Even though violence was the most potent remedy it was much easier and less risky if they didn’t know her business in the first place. Since her friendship with Colette was something special Melody really didn’t want people getting involved. Sure enough there was Colette leaning against a wall staring blankly at the run down English block. Melody couldn’t resist. She was extra careful to make sure Colette didn’t see her as she got closer. Then quickly she leaps in-front of Colette pushing her against the wall.
“Looking for someone?” She asked.
“You’re late,” Colette replied.
Melody shrugged. They looked at each other for a moment before Colette decided to try and pull free. Melody used her body to push Colette against the wall.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Melody asked.
“Seriously Mel? This isn’t the time or place,” Colette retorted.
As soon as the words came out Colette felt Melody’s fingertips pressed gently against her lips.
“Its fine Collie, trust me,” She said.
However Colette still struggled. Melody slid her leg between Colette’s and grabbed one of her wrists making Colette completely helpless. Using her free hand Melody brushed Colette’s hair away from her face. Making sure to push it over her shoulder.
“Please, not here, I’m not used to this yet,” Colette protested.
Melody completely ignored her pleas and leant in towards Colette’s neck. Colette gasped and tensed up as Melody’s lips made contact with her skin. The softness and the sensation had completely shocked her.
“Good, keep that expression,” Melody whispered.
Of course she was referring to the look Colette had made every time they had practiced this.
“What?” Colette asked.
Colette had a hunch Melody was enjoying this and Melody would’ve been lying if she said she wasn’t.
“Shh keep it down, its better if no one sees us,” Melody whispered as her lips brushed Colette’s skin.
Colette didn’t get to finish her sentence before Melody made another move.
“Do you see anyone around?” Melody whispered again.
Colette tried to look around and when she couldn’t see anyone she attempted to shake her head.
“Would you stop even if there was?” Colette asked.
Melody shook her head.
“Of course not, while we’re doing this no ones going to want to look,” Melody replied quietly.
Colette began to tremble slightly. Melody had to wonder if it was fear or excitement. Maybe it was something else altogether. Either way she pushed herself firmly against Colette. Making sure she could feel every curve against her body. Melody traced a line with her lips up to Colette’s ear.
“Have you decided yet?” She whispered.
Colette nodded.
“I want to do it,” Colette forced the words out.
“Are you sure?” Melody asked.
Colette tried to nod. Melody could feel Colette’s heart racing. She moved her lips to the other side of Colette’s neck.
“There’s no going back if you do,”
“I know,” Colette replied breathlessly.
“If we get caught?”
“I don’t care,”
“As long as I’m with you,”
It should’ve sounded needy or childish but Melody was touched. She froze as she contemplated those words.
“Umm,” Colette tried to think of something to say but no words would come.
Melody quickly realised the awkwardness of the situation and she pulled away. Colette seemed like she was trying to catch her breath. Melody smiled at her without even meaning to.
“What?” Colette asked.
“Nothing, nothing,”
“You don’t smile like that for nothing so tell me,” Colette pleaded.
“This,” Melody said.
With that she leant towards Colette and gently kissed her lips.
“Like I said before I’ll always protect you, you’re mine now,”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Colette said.
“I wouldn’t let there be any other way, if anyone tries to take you from me… Well let’s just say I can be very inventive,”
“I can be inventive too,” Colette replied with a smile.
“Oh really? I guess you’ll have to show me some time,”
Melody couldn’t help but wonder how far Colette would really go. She already knew the things they would soon do together would go beyond her wildest dreams. Her heart began beating faster even thinking about it. Melody could already see they completed each other. Could Colette see it too? It couldn’t be just one way. There was definitely something special between them. There had to be. Colette was her ticket to happiness. Soon everyone would know how happy they made each other. Melody could feel the warmth in her chest. The gears were beginning to turn. Cause and effect. One day everyone would know about their games. How they had played around. When that day came she wouldn’t hide the truth. She wanted everyone to know.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins. I had never felt so excited. So alive. We had come out to the forest and the moonlight danced through the tree branches. It was beautiful. Nature itself had set the stage for what we were going to do. It didn’t take much for Mel to convince me that this was only natural. Now we were running through the trees soaked in sweat and something else. We ran side by side laughing. Reality became a blur. It was exhilarating but it wasn’t over yet. Melody let go of my hand so we could split up. I continued moving forwards unable to stop myself. Stumbling into what seemed to be a small clearing I found him. He noticed me instantly.
“Colette, why are you here?” he whispered.
It would’ve been impossible to tell from his appearance here but he was one of the more popular guys at her school. His clothes were torn up here and there but that wasn’t the most noticeable thing. The moonlight illuminated him perfectly enough to show the crimson patches on his clothes and skin. Blood. He was covered in it. There was very little of his clothes that hadn’t been ruined by blood. I stepped closer into the moonlight so he could see me more clearly.
“Oh my god, she got you too,” he said.
Of course I knew immediately he was referring to Melody and the blood on my clothes. I looked down at myself. No wonder he jumped to that conclusion. I looked about the same as he did. Thick blotches of blood had died sections of my clothes red. I suddenly felt sick. The world began to spin. I screamed. He dived towards me and covered my mouth with one hand while wrapping his other arm around me.
“Keep quiet, its ok, I’ll protect you,”
I didn’t struggle. His breathing was heavy. There was no telling what he’d do next but that didn’t matter to me. I felt oddly secure in his arms. It would all be over soon. He held me as close as he could. If he wanted he could suffocate me right here and now. I was lucky he knew I wasn’t a threat. He clung to me as we fell to the floor together. Still he held onto me trying to shelter me. His grip finally loosened and I pulled away. He didn’t try to stop me. I stood up and stretched. Somewhere behind me I heard clapping. I spun on my heels to see Melody standing just within the edge of the clearing. Moonlight only just barely revealing she too was covered in blood. I sighed and turned back to the heap on the floor. Reaching down I pulled the small knife from his stomach. Poor guy he never saw it coming. Melody walked over and slapped his face harshly. He groaned as she pulled his head up by his hair. We had been torturing him for the best part of a day before releasing him so we could hunt him down. Now he was barely clinging to life.
“Hey wake up,” Melody said.
She slapped him over and over. No response. She clenched her fist and punched him in the side of his head. He groaned again but this time he squirmed slightly as well. Melody let him drop to the floor. Pulling himself to his hands and knees he tried to crawl away. Melody shook her head and kicked at his arms. He fell face first into the floor. So even after all this his body was still fighting to survive.
“You go around breaking any rule you want and yet you never get punished,” Melody said.
He rolled onto his back.
“Well I’m sorry to tell you, all that rule breaking has finally caught up to you,” she said.
“We aren’t going to let people like you do whatever you want anymore,” I added.
Finally he looked at me in shock. Did he only just realise I’m part of this?
“Today you are being tried for all the rules you have broken,” Melody announced as she began searching his pockets.
“We have decided you are guilty,” I said as Melody pulled a mobile phone from his pocket.
“Your actions have triggered an event,” Melody said as she began doing something with his phone.
I helped him onto his knees. Melody flashed the screen at him. It read: DEAD END. The flag that appears in certain games when you reach a negative end. She hit the button to send. A look of confusion crossed his face. We each place a hand on one of his shoulders. I was on his left and Melody was on his right. We both reached a blade across to the other side of his neck. Nodding to each other we both pulled. The noise was a pleasant squelching with a mixed in gurgling. His body went limp. We let go and he fell forward with a dull thump. Melody flung her arms around me. I embraced her. There was very little that could separate us now.

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